I’m a long way from finding peace. Make no bones about it. But things are changing, sliding slowly downhill, transmission in 4-low, wheels glazed over but spinning, digging. The front is starting to come around. Maybe. Finding peace has come as I look for a new path in life. What new path? I don’t know. Haven’t found it yet. I just know I need to start looking. A few months ago I decided to change my attitude, or at least attempt to do so. It started with my wife. I figured if I started there, with her, I’d be able to monitor progress. Yes, of course this started with a fight, but ultimately the fight was what got me to understand I needed to change. So here I am.
There is such tremendous power in peace. What comes with peace is tranquility, stability and grace. Perhaps not all at the same time, or even in any great depth, but they and there and you can feel it. Before I go any further I just want to say I’m not waxing poetic here, nor am I trying to get you to think in any way or do anything or convert to anything, or even begin to think that I have ANYTHING figured out. Nothing I despise more than some photographer in lotus on a beach in Bali telling me how to connect with the world while simultaneously selling me pants, shirts, hats, potions, electronics and their favorite frequent flier program. F^%$ them. See, told ya I hadn’t found peace yet.
I saw an interview with Jim Carey the other day and they asked him why he was at the event he was at and he said “Well, none of this is real and I wanted to come to the one place that had the least amount of meaning.” To some degree I think much of what we have made of life fits into this same category. I think it’s human nature to get distracted. And we have. As have I.
Wait, in a little less than a year I’ll be fifty. That’s it. Midlife crisis. Whew, okay now I know what’s happening.
My wife and I don’t have kids. It was never even on the table. When I met her she asked me and I asked her and we both said “Nope,” and that was it. I’ve never been sure as to why I was so certain I never wanted kids but I knew I would never have them. I love kids. I like to get them in trouble, scare them and generally create mayhem with them but then I let them go back home and I do the same. I’m an uncle four times over. But the more I think about it the more I think I was never meant to have them. I was meant for something else. What else? No idea. If you figure it out let me know.
There has to be more right? Human existence is a puzzling thing. But at the core is a place, an energy, and I believe that place is within me, within primarily my mind but damn the gate is padlocked and security is tight. I’m gonna have to get creative. And that’s what I’m trying to do.